GLYNN WASHINGTON, HOST:
We're going to kick off today's SNAP JUDGMENT with a story from Kari and a guy we're calling Jordan, a story that answers the question of the ages - is love enough? SNAP JUDGMENT.
JORDAN: When I met Kari, Kari was 19, and I was 22. And I didn't know who Kari was, and therefore, wasn't interested in knowing who she was. I did notice she had a micro tape recorder with her.
KARI: I was recording people laughing or choking. I saw him talking to somebody that I knew, and I just butted in and asked...
COMPUTER-GENERATED VOICE #1: Do you want to fight?
COMPUTER-GENERATED VOICE #2: Fight?
UNIDENTIFIED MAN: Fight.
(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)
JORDAN: Everybody was like, what? This guy's slapping this woman. Is this OK? Then they saw her, you know, cracking up, so they left us alone. I think that was the moment I started developing a crush on Kari. I did love Kari. How hard she would hit, she wasn't afraid to hit me painfully hard, which isn't something I enjoy in and of itself, but her lack of fear was so attractive. I have Asperger's. It makes it very hard to know how to talk to women that I like.
KARI: Well, I knew that he had a crush on me. He made it very clear. And I thought it was just sort of, like, a crush that we could both get over and then continue being friends. I just wanted to hang out with him.
JORDAN: I guess it was a year later, we decided to start this band.
KARI: (Singing) We can make marmalade from spoiled fruit from the trees that grow from the bad seeds.
JORDAN: (Singing) Thinking about bad seeds. Do you have anything else to say?
KARI: I don't even know what kind of music to call ROFLcopter. It's yelling.
JORDAN: Kari is a terrible singer, and I'm a pretty bad guitarist. (Singing) Get it?
KARI: (Singing) Got it.
JORDAN AND KARI: (Singing) Good.
KARI: How many strings did you just play?
JORDAN: (Laughter) Two.
KARI: Holy [expletive].
And nobody came to our shows.
(SOUNDBITE OF PHONE RINGING)
KARI: So we're probably talking on the phone and we always talked about ROFLcopter like, ROFLcopter should play a show where we do dadadadadada (ph). And I had just said I've always wanted to play in a church. And he said, let's just get married. And I didn't even think about it. I just said, yeah.
VOICE #1: Obviously.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
JORDAN: It was always all about the show. What I wanted and what she was on board for is for none of our friends to have any idea that this was not real.
KARI: I told all my friends I was getting married. And anybody who questioned me about it, I just shut down and said, yep, I'm getting married. It's on Sunday, you can come or not. We did get a real wedding certificate, but in Massachusetts, after the pastor fills it out, you have 60 days that it is active, and if they don't get it in the courthouse after that time, it's not real.
JORDAN: I called this church, and they said, OK, so when do you want to get married? And I said, I'm leaving on tour, I want to make sure our wedding is before I leave for tour. She said, and what is your fiancee doing? She's a bike courier. Oh, that's a very dangerous job. And I said, yeah, I worry all the time as if I was actually her fiance.
KARI: So in order to get married, you need a church - got it. We need a marriage certificate - got it. We need to tell our friends - told them. And all we needed was a pastor.
JORDAN: I called this guy Alex and said, hey, will you pretend to be a priest for our wedding? And he was like, yeah, I guess I can do that.
KARI: And before I knew it, it was my wedding day.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
JORDAN: She spent a long time getting dressed. Like, she would change clothes and come back, and I think she was enjoying the fact that I was kind of checking her out 'cause she looked very beautiful that day.
KARI: Jordan took this really beautiful picture of me while I was playing his guitar. And I had never seen a good picture of myself (laughter) until that. And I was like, oh, my God. I look so beautiful on my wedding day.
JORDAN: And then we walked to our wedding. Then, gradually, the guests filed in.
KARI: Alex, the fake pastor, started his pastor speech. Jordan said his vows first. So I was expecting him to say something like, dear Kari, your bike is broken, you're evicted - I love you, that's why. The end - bye.
JORDAN: So I started with, everyone thinks this is a joke, but soon they'll see how serious it really is. I'll always love playing shows, but being married to you is my new favorite thing. I will always try to be the man you need me to be, and you have always been the woman I need. And I will love you in sickness and health, good times and bad, across any distance and forever.
KARI: I was thinking, I cannot believe how much my vows suck. Can I not read them? What should I say instead? Maybe I should just read what I got. Maybe I could say something really nice back, too. Or - I don't know.
JORDAN: After I said those vows, Kari said...
KARI: Dear, Jordan, the first time I met you, I knew that your name was Jordan. You're so dumb. I (laughter) hope you're sterile (laughter). People made their awkward, like, very generous laugh. And then the pastor is just like, OK.
JORDAN: I now pronounce you man and wife. You may kiss the bride.
KARI: Are they going to kiss?
JORDAN: Now, obviously I would have loved it if I could've even considered actually kissing Kari at that moment.
KARI: But then, Jordan whips out a KISS mask.
JORDAN: It was a printout of a Gene Simmons mask actually. So I put that on her and people laughed.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
KARI: Finally, the ceremony ends, and we get to play music in a church. That's why we came there. Jordan started playing this song, which I had heard before, but never really listened to. So I wasn't prepared for him to start snapping. And I got really hot 'cause I was nervous. And I was thinking about my dress and my pit stains and I'm like (moans).
JORDAN: (Singing) As I sit alone in my shower, I look through the curtain to the mirror.
KARI: The song is really beautiful, and it's coming from his heart. And I'm just standing there bearing witness to it. And everybody's just looking at us. And it's just not funny anymore. And I'm just like, oh, my God. This wedding is real now; it wasn't supposed to be real. I'm feeling the things that people usually thought out before their wedding like, why am I here? I thought this was just a joke.
JORDAN: (Singing) And I kind of wish you would come to see me.
I think that might have been the first time she noticed something that I always felt around her.
KARI: In the song, he's almost like giving me the space to say no. He's saying, (singing) I kind of wish you would call and see me instead of staying at home and riding your bike.
Like it's not, like, come to me, I love you or, like, I'm going to come get you. I'm going to win you. You're going to love me. He's just sort of, like, faraway, like, a few miles where he is, just saying, like, I have this love for you. It's here if you want it. I just love you.
JORDAN: (Singing) Maybe never again.
We kept playing the set and we closed with "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow" by The Shirelles. And then at the very end, after the last titular line, Kari yelled out, no.
KARI: Our friends started filing out and...
JORDAN: We tied soda cans to our back, like, just dragging them behind us. So then we walked to the convenience store for our honeymoon.
KARI: Outside Tedeschi's, I had the conversation with him where I had to say, we're just friends, right? I think we're just better off as friends, not really married. I felt let down at myself. The only thing that stood in the way of this day going perfect was the fact that I wasn't in love with him.
JORDAN: And I didn't see Kari again until 59 days after our wedding. And we didn't really talk, but we knew OK, this thing expires, so we need to have an annulment show.
KARI: Yeah, the pastor was there...
JORDAN: Alex.
KARI: ...Which I was not expecting.
JORDAN: We did our whole set. It was the same set as the wedding, but at the end, we were playing "Holy [expletive] We're Really Married." And Kari said, I hate this song. And I said, yeah, well, I hate this marriage and then I tore up the marriage license.
(SOUNDBITE OF CHEERING)
JORDAN: Everyone applauded. And Kari said, it's over. He's single now, any takers?
I called her a couple months later and asked, how are you doing and what's happening with your love life? And she said, yeah, I'm seeing someone. No, that's great. She said that she was now dating Alex. Alex. The priest who she had met at our wedding and that she had lost her virginity to him. Not only do I not get what I want in this person I love so very much, but the person I want to have her the least is the one who gets her, and it's my fault that it happened. And that was how I spent Valentine's Day 2008, feeling really terrible and alone in my apartment about it.
KARI: I guess I loved Alex. And then he cheated on me so hard. (Singing) Even [expletive] don't give a [expletive]. They don't deserve it, but they only always win.
And he did. He won.
JORDAN: (Singing) Why are they so much luckier than I am?
KARI: He was luckier. God, it's like he predicted it. And then eventually the pastor waned away forever. Jordan's still there, and we talk all the time. Every time I hang up the phone, he says, I'll love you forever.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
WASHINGTON: You see? Isn't that great? (Laughter). Don't worry too much about Jordan, guys. He'll be spending his Valentine's Day with his long-term girlfriend, and, as such, he wants to remain anonymous. Kari's a writer here in Oakland. We'll have a link to her website at snapjudgment.org. That piece was produced by Ana Adlerstein, with sound design by Davey Kim.
(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)
WASHINGTON: When SNAP JUDGMENT returns, a love like no other. And how do you extract revenge on a person that loves you more than any other? The answers when SNAP JUDGMENT, the "No Perfect Love" episode continues. Stay tuned. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.