Panel Round One

Oct 11, 2013
Originally published on January 2, 2014 12:57 pm
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PETER SAGAL, HOST:

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Right now, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Brian, the government shutdown has ceased all kinds of important government functions, but you'll be happy to know that one important government facility is still open. What is it?

BRIAN BABYLON: Hmm, I don't know. Give me a hint.

SAGAL: They can take our freedom, but they'll never take our stairmaster.

BABYLON: Oh, the workout facility.

SAGAL: Right, the House gym is still open.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

SAGAL: So if you're keeping score at home, the United States nuclear plants are going uninspected, but the House Gym, still open.

(LAUGHTER)

JESSI KLEIN: Do you think Ted Cruz was born with that body?

SAGAL: Yes, you're probably right.

KLEIN: I mean...

BABYLON: Well, you know, who's the - the Paul Ryan there, if I could have a Paul Ryan body, you would not be able to tell me anything.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: My face on Paul Ryan's body...

SAGAL: Would look really weird.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Yeah, like yeah, we wouldn't...

LUKE BURBANK: So troubling.

BABYLON: And that would...

SAGAL: That would be really distressing.

BABYLON: That was the price I would have to pay for that nice physique, just leave like black head, white body.

(LAUGHTER)

BABYLON: Black head, awesome white body, that's the price you pay. It's like a Brother Grimm's tale or something.

BURBANK: That would literally get the government working again.

BABYLON: Yes.

BURBANK: Just to try to deal with the situation that was your head on Paul Ryan's body. They'd be like sorry, I know, guys, we've had some...

KLEIN: Yeah, raise the debt ceiling.

BURBANK: To whatever to stop that.

BABYLON: You know what I think we should do?

SAGAL: What?

BABYLON: We shut down the showers for those jerks, and we have them stinky in that whatever chamber until they figure this out, some nice, old-fashioned body odor. That'll get it going.

(APPLAUSE)

SAGAL: Well, you don't want to see - you don't want to see - what if they just - what if they start let themselves going, they start growing, like, shutdown beards, and this goes on, right. At the State of the Union speech in January, people will be like, behind the president there's Joe Biden sitting next to a werewolf of some kind.

BURBANK: Oh, wait no, that's the guy from "Duck Dynasty."

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.