Panel Round One

Apr 4, 2014
Originally published on April 5, 2014 1:02 pm
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Congratulations. OK, panel, time for you to answer some questions about this week's news. Paula, when people talk about romance, they often talk about lovebirds. But according to a new study, it turns out that not only are birds not very romantic, but they often do what?

PAULA POUNDSTONE: Kill each other.


SAGAL: That's true, but we knew that. This is more about romance than...

POUNDSTONE: About romance?

SAGAL: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: They often...

SAGAL: ...Or the lack thereof.

POUNDSTONE: ...Lose one another's phone numbers.


CARL KASELL, BYLINE: ...Or simply don't call back.

SAGAL: Yeah.



SAGAL: I'll give you a hint...

POUNDSTONE: They retweet. They retweet a lot.


SAGAL: I'll give you a hint.


SAGAL: Generally speaking, in most cases, the early bird gets half the worm and hatchling visitation rights every other weekend.

POUNDSTONE: They break up?

SAGAL: They break up. They get divorced, yeah.


POUNDSTONE: Oh, birds - love birds get divorced?

SAGAL: Apparently, yeah. That's true.

POUNDSTONE: I think that makes all the sense in the world.


SAGAL: Well, according to a study in the journal "Current Biology," bird relationships - just as messed up as human ones. Birds tend to cheat on each other, and they even get divorced, leading to generations of latchkey eggs.


POUNDSTONE: What's the value of knowing that birds divorce?


SAGAL: Well, what they're trying to do, is they're trying to ascertain the mating habits of birds. And what they have discovered is - remember...



KASELL: I mean, what business is it of theirs?


SAGAL: What's the purpose of any advance in human knowledge?

POUNDSTONE: But why do you want to know the mating habits of birds?

KASELL: I mean, don't ask, don't tell is what I say.



POUNDSTONE: Leave them alone.


POUNDSTONE: Can a bird not have a little bit of privacy?


SAGAL: Well, remember we used to think sometimes, like...

POUNDSTONE: (Chirping) No, what did we used to think?

SAGAL: We used to think that birds mated for life, like swans. Swans...

POUNDSTONE: I never thought that.


POUNDSTONE: What do you mean we? I never even gave the length of a bird's relationship any thought at all, frankly.


KASELL: And how do you tell swans apart? I mean, you see two of them going by together, you know. I mean...

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, look at them. They're still together, aren't they?


KASELL: How do you know that's the same swan?

POUNDSTONE: How the hell do they do it? Look at them.

KASELL: They have to spray paint the swan. They don't know. They're birds.


KASELL: Not a lot going on upstairs.

POUNDSTONE: You know, my manager, her car used to park on the street, and every day, for a long time, there was a bird that was breaking its little beak on her rearview mirror 'cause it would see itself and go, you know, try to make out.


POUNDSTONE: That's not a bright animal.


ROXANNE ROBERTS: It could be a teenager.

POUNDSTONE: Yeah. It could...

KASELL: It could be a teenage bird. That's true.


POUNDSTONE: It could've said, this is a different bird from yesterday.


SAGAL: He's back, maybe.

POUNDSTONE: Look at me. Every bird wants me.


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