Panel Round Two

Oct 4, 2013
Originally published on January 2, 2014 12:57 pm
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CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NP news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with Roxanne Roberts, Charlie Pierce, and Maz Jobrani. And here again is your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.



Thank you, Carl. Thanks everybody. In just a minute, Carl threatens to shut down the show if we don't raise the rhyme ceiling. It's the Listener Limerick Challenge. If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Roxanne, the annual Monaco Yacht Show attracts the wealthiest of the wealthy, but this year it wasn't just multi-million dollar yachts being sold. This year, billionaire boat-owners could also purchase what?


ROXANNE ROBERTS: I'm trying to think what a billionaire boat owner might not have.


ROBERTS: And I'm coming up short.

SAGAL: Well, it's like $20 million under the sea.

ROBERTS: They could buy sunken treasure?


ROBERTS: Well, wait. OK. So we're talking about...

MAZ JOBRANI: You could buy a very long sandwich.

ROBERTS: No, no, we're talking...


ROBERTS: So we're - you're going Jules Vern, the giant octopus...

CHARLIE PIERCE: There's a yellow version of this.

JOBRANI: Hey, Sherlock, I just gave you a great clue.


ROBERTS: It's a submarine.

SAGAL: The submarine, the luxury submarines is the answer, yes.



SAGAL: Seven thousand-foot-long sailboats equipped with Paris Hilton just don't cut it anymore in the 1 percent. If you really want to show everyone just how poor they are in comparison to you, you've got to get a luxury U-Boat, or as it's known an I'm Better Than U-Boat.


SAGAL: Starting at $4.2 million, the subs are meant to ride alongside your yacht. You get out far enough, you tip it over the edge of your boat and explore the depths of the Mediterranean, where you get fabulous views of the undersides of other people's yachts. Please note, these luxury subs are not to be confused with Subway's luxury subs.

JOBRANI: That's when you know you have too much money when you like, you know, I need a submarine.

SAGAL: Right.


JOBRANI: Well, I mean, do the torpedo tubes and Polaris missile launchers still work? Because that would be cool.


SAGAL: That would be - to be able to torpedo other people's yachts. I would enjoy that a lot.

JOBRANI: Exactly, yeah. Maz, in move that's expected to save police officers time and money, a police department in Holland just started hiring detectives who are what?



JOBRANI: Holland, I got to go...

SAGAL: It would save time.

JOBRANI: Yeah, don't worry about it.


SAGAL: No worries.

JOBRANI: They've hired police - you said policemen who are...

SAGAL: ...detectives who are...

JOBRANI: ...detectives who are - this is to save time.

SAGAL: Well, they're very efficient at their jobs.

JOBRANI: They're track stars. They are...

SAGAL: That would be useful.

JOBRANI: Wouldn't that be great?

SAGAL: Yeah, Detective Bolt, get him.


SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. Officers Templeton and Ben are highly decorated and have really long tails.

JOBRANI: Oh, they're hiring animals?

SAGAL: What kind of animals?



JOBRANI: Tails...

SAGAL: Skin - hairless tails.

JOBRANI: Hairless tails?



JOBRANI: Are you sure they're not stoned?

SAGAL: I'm pretty sure.


JOBRANI: What animal...

ROBERTS: I mean, I don't know the answer, I can only guess.

SAGAL: Guess.


SAGAL: Rats. Yes.




PIERCE: Who's Templeton?

SAGAL: Templeton is the rat from "Charlotte's Web" you...



SAGAL: ...heartless(unintelligible) .

JOBRANI: What about Ratatouille? You could've given me that.

SAGAL: What is the name of the rat in Ratatouille?



PIERCE: Good try, Maz.

JOBRANI: Thanks.

PIERCE: Excellent job.

JOBRANI: Thank you.

SAGAL: Dutch criminals will soon feel the short creepy arm of the law...


SAGAL: ...when a new squad of rat detectives hit the streets. Police officers in Rotterdam - not Ratterdam - Rotterdam are teaming up with the rodents, who can supposedly sniff out crime more quickly and easily than police dogs. Instead of Turner and Hooch, it'll be Turner and Ewww!


JOBRANI: If it works, New York City could have the best police force.


SAGAL: I know. Charlie, the attorney general of New York has announced the end of a year-long undercover investigation to stop what great scourge of our nation?

PIERCE: Dandruff.



PIERCE: I'm narrowing it down.

SAGAL: I'll give you a hint. It's like when that Yelp review complimented White Castle on its clean bathrooms, you knew something was up.

PIERCE: What, fraud in, like, consumer websites?

SAGAL: Exactly. Fraud in online reviews.



SAGAL: Operation Clean Turf found companies had been pumping sites like Yelp with fake reviews. Spas, bus companies and strip clubs were among those busted in the ting raising the question, is there really a man who checks reviews before choosing a strip club?


SAGAL: Ah, it says here on Yelp that Cheetah Lounge has the nakedest naked girls around.


SAGAL: I think I'll find a well-reviewed bus company to take me there directly.


JOBRANI: I give it three thumps up.


JOBRANI: Thank you, Charlie. I debated saying that one, but I did.

SAGAL: Not to be alarmed...


SAGAL: Some firms in the so-called reputation management industry were even paying people in the Philippines and Bangladesh a dollar a pop to glowingly write up stories on restaurants. That does explain this Yelp review of the IHOP in Fort Worth, Texas: Loved the rooty-tooty fresh and fruity. What does rooty-tooty mean? Please send visa.


JOBRANI: Big Mac is number one American burger. Love it.

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