Wait Wait...Don't Tell Me!
6:30 pm
Fri January 10, 2014

Panel Round Two

Originally published on Sat January 11, 2014 12:14 pm

Transcript

CARL KASELL: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR news quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with Charlie Pierce, Adam Felber, and Paula Poundstone. And here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.

PETER SAGAL, HOST: Thank you, Carl.

(APPLAUSE)

HOST: In just a minute, Carl sells you a sub-rhyme mortgage in our listener limerick challenge.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: A little joke from 2008.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, more questions for you from the week's news. Charlie, this week the New York Times revealed that more often than not, your doctor does what to help make their diagnosis?

CHARLIE PIERCE: Guesses, flips a coin.

HOST: No. I'll give you a hint. This is something that most people do to themselves all the time.

(LAUGHTER)

PIERCE: Oh.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: No, the other thing.

PIERCE: I hope he goes in the other room to do it.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: They often do because that's where the computer is.

PIERCE: What, he surfs the web? He goes to WebMD?

HOST: No, not quite that but you're close.

PIERCE: He Googles your disease.

HOST: He just Googles you.

PIERCE: He Googles - oh, really.

HOST: Apparently, yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

PIERCE: Wow.

HOST: Here's the thing. Apparently doctors are now Googling their patients to find out more about them to help them with their diagnosis. For example, you have a problem, you don't know what it is, he Googles you, finds your Facebook post about dancing over at a club, hepatitis, boom, diagnosis.

(LAUGHTER)

PAULA POUNDSTONE: I'm not going to let them - okay, from now on when they step out of the room, I'm just going to follow them.

(LAUGHTER)

PIERCE: You don't do that now?

HOST: In your robe with the tie in the back?

POUNDSTONE: Yeah, I'm just going to - yeah, boy, I hate that too. You know, in the old days they didn't always make you put on that stupid gown.

HOST: Yeah.

POUNDSTONE: You know, they - if they needed access to a particular body part that that would make accessible, fine, you put on the gown. But now they say put that gown on no matter what you're in there for.

PIERCE: Yeah, now they just - they're just screwing with you now.

POUNDSTONE: Honestly. I went in one time to get my son's immunization record...

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: ...and they said, put this gown on.

PIERCE: Yeah.

HOST: Adam, holiday bonus season just ended and we've learned how Washington Redskins' under Daniel Snyder rewards his employees. A few years ago, the billionaire handed out what as a holiday bonus to his staff?

ADAM FELBER: Right. So a couple years ago as a Christmas bonus he gave out...

HOST: What?

FELBER: ...Ravens tickets.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: They might've been more appreciated than what he actually did give out. Well, I'll give you a hint. It helped them keep the doctor away for about a dozen days.

FELBER: He gave them a dozen apple apiece, a (unintelligible).

HOST: He gave them a bag of apples each, yes.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

(SOUNDBITE OF DISAPPOINTMENT)

HOST: Snyder is a billionaire and that's billions of dollars not billions of fruits. And a few years ago he gave his staff each a bag of apples as a holiday bonus.

FELBER: Did that include the team? Did the team get apples?

HOST: Well, we were wondering about that. This may explain...

PIERCE: Do you get, like, more apples if you win the Super Bowl?

HOST: Probably, well, apple bonus.

PIERCE: You get, like, bonus apples?

HOST: I think the apple payment thing explains why so many of his highest-paid players walk around with an entourage of cart horses.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Are the Redskins a successful football team?

FELBER: They are not.

HOST: No, they are not a successful football team.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Okay. So fruit is not as good for you as some people thought.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Right there what Paula just did...

HOST: Yeah.

FELBER: ...by the standards of this show that's a study.

HOST: It's true.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: It's scientifically valid to me.

FELBER: If she'd said it with an English accent it would've been a well-respected study.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: Adam, a new study finds that men who don't get dates online all have one thing in common. What is it?

FELBER: They tell the truth.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: That was a sad answer that came from hard experience, didn't it Adam?

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: No, it's not that, although maybe that's a problem. Nobody online is telling the truth.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: All right. So these are guys online trying to get dates and (unintelligible)...

HOST: Yeah, and they're making a significant mistake that significantly decreases their chances of getting a date.

FELBER: They're listing themselves as single.

HOST: No. It's like come on lonely guy. Turn that closed parenthesis upside down.

FELBER: They're using sad faces?

HOST: They're using emoticons.

FELBER: Yeah.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

HOST: Apparently using emoticons online significantly decreases your chance of getting a date. That makes sense.

POUNDSTONE: Oh, I'm not surprised at all.

FELBER: That's not surprising.

HOST: Adult men who use emoticons according to a survey...

POUNDSTONE: Oh, can't even believe there's any.

HOST: Well, if there are they are 66 percent less likely to get dates and 85 percent more likely to be teenage girls.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: So many teenage girls spend their time masquerading as middle-aged men on the internet.

HOST: Oh, yeah.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: Yeah.

HOST: Men who use the basic smiley emoticon are the worst off next to men whose smiley emoticons still live with their mom emoticons.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: It just seems to me, you know, in a busy world, you know, if you don't have time to type an 0 and Y, why on earth would you have time to figure out --

HOST: Oy?

POUNDSTONE: No, a Y and an O. I put it in the wrong order.

HOST: Oh, I'm sorry.

PIERCE: Oy.

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: You're decrying lazy, unlying Jews?

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: They don't even take the time to write oy.

(LAUGHTER)

POUNDSTONE: He's a busy Jew.

FELBER: Oh, I'd write oy but who has the time?

(LAUGHTER)

FELBER: Oh, I can only write o.

POUNDSTONE: It's write oy or light a candle. We don't have time for both.

(LAUGHTER)

HOST: What's the...

POUNDSTONE: Thank goodness I don't have to type hc.

(LAUGHTER)

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.