Panel Round Two

Apr 11, 2014
Originally published on April 12, 2014 1:44 pm
Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit

CARL KASELL, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with Luke Burbank, Amy Dickinson and Charlie Pierce. And here, again, is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.


Thank you, Carl.


SAGAL: In just a minute, Carl debuts his new documentary about Donald Rhymesfeld in our listener limerick challenge.


SAGAL: If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, though, some more questions for you from the week's news. Luke, a team studying artificial intelligence over at Washington State University have concluded that robots will not take over the world anytime soon because the robots are too what?

LUKE BURBANK: I want to say maybe logical. They were too - can I get a hint?

SAGAL: You've been watching "Star Trek." It's like, how do humans say duh?


BURBANK: They're Russian?



SAGAL: That would be dah.


BURBANK: Oh, OK. Sorry. The accent kind of threw me. The robots are too stupid?

SAGAL: The robots are too stupid. Yes.


SAGAL: Or dumb. In the lead researchers words, quote, "they're very dumb." You don't want to say that to a robot. That's what's going to make them mad.


SAGAL: You know, it turns out, all this time, they're too dumb. The real reason HAL did not open the pod bay doors because HAL kept pushing and pushing even though it says full.


SAGAL: It's like I'm sorry, Dan. I can't do that. It's Dave, HAL.


SAGAL: Oh sorry, Dan. Oh.

BURBANK: It's really sad how much my self-esteem just went up by hearing that robots are dumb.


SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: You know, I don't know why that makes me feel better about myself, but it does.

CHARLIE PIERCE: I'm going to tease my GPS unmercifully.

SAGAL: Oh yeah.


SAGAL: Charlie, you can get almost anything on the Internet, as you know, but for the first time, a new website that was announced this week is offering people the chance to have what?

PIERCE: I'm going to need a hint 'cause I don't know.

SAGAL: Vampires would not need this because they already have it.

PIERCE: Large teeth?



PIERCE: Invisibility?


PIERCE: Pale skin?


PIERCE: What do vampires have that I haven't mentioned? They eat bugs? No. They can't eat bugs. They sleep during the day.

SAGAL: They sleep during the day.

PIERCE: Yes. And they come out at night to bite you in the neck.

BURBANK: When's the last...

SAGAL: And how long, Charlie...

BURBANK: When's the last time you go to a vampire funeral?

PIERCE: What - a website that ensures you don't die?

SAGAL: Exactly right.

PIERCE: How's a website do that?

SAGAL: A website that provides you immortality.


SAGAL: Let me explain.


BURBANK: I think we should let the listeners know that Charlie's the one who operates that Bell.

SAGAL: Yeah.


BURBANK: That is the only reason he got a point on that one.

SAGAL: There are already services, of course, that promise to plan to archive your Facebook and Twitter posts in the event of your death so after you're gone, you can still bore people.


SAGAL: But a company called - promises something more. It will collect all your social media. It will analyze it. It will compile it, process it and then create an online avatar that will look like you, sound like you and express the same enthusiasm for burritos that you used to.


SAGAL: And people can talk to it online.

DICKINSON: That is so creepy...

BURBANK: Will it answer?

DICKINSON: ...Right.

SAGAL: Yeah.

BURBANK: I'm not so much worried about living on in this sort of Internet after I'm gone. I want someone to go delete my Internet history...


BURBANK: ...When I die.

DICKINSON: Opposite. Right.

BURBANK: Some kind of a bat signal goes off, and some guys goes to my house and just handles some stuff.

>>SAGAL Yeah.


SAGAL: Luke, a Long Island nursing home is being sued by the son of one of its elderly residents. He was shocked and appalled when he found a picture of his dear mother being entertained by what?

KASELL: Uh oh.

BURBANK: A stripper.

SAGAL: Yes, indeed.



SAGAL: Franklin Youngblood went to visit his mother Bernice at the East Neck Nursing Center facility in Long Island and found a picture of his mom stuffing dollar bills into the very brief briefs of a male stripper brought to the nursing home for the entertainment of the residents. He sued. He said this was an insult to her dignity. But, look, the woman is 85. She doesn't have to worry about her reputation, and we're guessing she was ready for a change from canasta.


BURBANK: What a bummer day when you work at the stripper service when you get your call sheet and it says East Neck retirement home.


BURBANK: And then you're done, and then you just shake out your - you know, your little banana hammock thing...

DICKINSON: Give checks.

BURBANK: And it's just, like, Werther's and other hard candies.

(LAUGHTER) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.