Panel Round Two

Jun 13, 2014
Originally published on June 14, 2014 11:42 am


BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm Bill Kurtis. We're playing this week with Ophira Eisenberg, Brian Babylon and Tom Bodett. Here again is your host at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.


Thank you, Bill.


SAGAL: In just a minute, Bill makes like Busta Rhymes in the listener Limerick challenge. If you'd like a play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. Right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Ophira, something special. Now we cover a lot of stupid criminals on the show. This time, we're going to look at stupid victims. For you, right now, we're going to play you three 911 calls that were placed for emergencies that were not quite urgent. Your job - tell us which of these calls is real. Ready to do this?


SAGAL: All right. Here is your first 911 call.


UNIDENTIFIED OPERATOR #1: 911, What's the nature of your emergency?

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: I missed the beginning of "24."



UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: Missed the beginning of "24."


UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: With Jack Bauer, "24."


UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: There's a terror plot against the president of the United States. He's in London.

UNIDENTIFIED OPERATOR #1: I'm sorry. When is this taking place then in London?

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #1: Between 5 p.m. and 6 p.m..


SAGAL: All right that's call number one. Here is your second call placed to 911.


UNIDENTIFIED OPERATOR #2: 911 emergency dispatch. What is your emergency?

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #2: I seem to have a problem. I have gum in my hair.

OPERATOR #2: You have gum in your hair?

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #2: Well, I got a lot of it in my ear now. And I can't - I can hardly hear out of my one ear.

OPERATOR #2: OK. Is there any pain? Are you bleeding?

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #2: I'm sorry. I can't hear you.


UNIDENTIFIED MAN #2: Can you say that again?

SAGAL: Guy with gum in his ear. And here is your last 911 call.


UNIDENTIFIED OPERATOR #3: 911 - police, fire, medical.

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: We got a problem here. My wife is struggling in her jacket, can't get it off.


UNIDENTIFIED OPERATOR #3: She's struggling in her jacket?

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: In her jacket. I want a 911 up here immediately.

UNIDENTIFIED OPERATOR #3: OK. What's - is she not breathing?

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: She's all right. She just can't get her (bleep) jacket off.


SAGAL: All right, Ophira Eisenberg.


SAGAL: Which of those was a real tape of a 911 call?

EISENBERG: I sort of can see what's happening in the marriage of the last one where the woman's like, I can't get it off. Help me. And he's like, what should I do? And she's like, I don't know - sarcastically - call 911.


SAGAL: Ophira, I guess I should ask you at this point, are you yourself married?

EISENBERG: I am married.

SAGAL: All right. There you are.

TOM BODETT: Yeah, he called 911 at her is what he did.



SAGAL: All right. So your choice, Ophira, then is obviously the one with the jacket?

EISENBERG: Yes. I'm going to say the jacket.

SAGAL: Well, we actually have the remainder of the real 911 call right here for you.


UNIDENTIFIED OPERATOR #3: OK, so you want the fire department to come?

UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: Send somebody to help her. Yeah. Yeah.


UNIDENTIFIED OPERATOR #3: OK, can you cut it off of her?


UNIDENTIFIED MAN #3: No, I don't want to cut it off. It's a nice jacket.

SAGAL: Congratulations, Ophira, you're absolutely right.

EISENBERG: Thank you.


SAGAL: Tom, every feature of every animal evolved over millennia in response to environmental threats, right. A new study suggests that the faces of men - human males evolved to their current shape in order to deal with what? >>BODETT: Getting beat up. Isn't that it?

SAGAL: Yes. Being punched in the face.


BODETT: Right, yeah.


SAGAL: According to a study published this week in a biological review, human males evolved naturally strong jaws, rounded cheek bones and flattened faces so they can more easily absorb punches to the face.


SAGAL: This came about in parallel as men also evolved to be complete jerks.


BODETT: So Mike Tyson's distinctive look is, like, highly evolved.

SAGAL: Exactly. Well, if you think about it...

BODETT: So that's where we're heading.

SAGAL: Right.

BRIAN BABYLON: Mike Tyson face.


SAGAL: Meanwhile, the biggest evidence that there is no intelligent designer is that our faces evolved to take a punch, but even more sensitive areas did not. Really, God? I'm grateful for the strong jaw and everything, but what I really could've used a crotch skull.


SAGAL: Ophira, according to several class-action lawsuits that were filed this week, what does not - despite a lot of promises to the contrary - in fact, help people lose weight?



SAGAL: Actually, from what I have observed, heroin really is a fine weight loss.


BABYLON: But they don't have any heroin commercials, did they?



EISENBERG: How about a hint?

SAGAL: How about a hint. Imagine an ad that went like this - we've replaced your normal Fruit of the Looms with Folgers Crystals.

EISENBERG: Oh, coffee.

SAGAL: Coffee, but coffee...

EISENBERG: Caffeine.

SAGAL: The keyword in the hint there was Fruit of the Loom.

EISENBERG: Caffeine infused underwear?



EISENBERG: What is wrong with people?


BABYLON: Isn't caffeine infused underwear just like Viagra?


SAGAL: No, no, no. Two companies - not just one, but two companies have been selling underwear infused with tiny caffeine capsules to zap fat from your behind like a little ass-presso machine.


SAGAL: It's a gift really. It saves pain and heartache for those trying to lose weight by simply pouring hot coffee into their lap.


SAGAL: The lawsuit has alleged this underwear doesn't work, even if the jolt of coffee does make your butt a lot easier to be around in the morning.


SAGAL: I mean, seriously don't even talk to my butt until it's had its first cop of underpants.

BABYLON: How do you sell that to someone? How are you a salesman for, you know, caffeine underpants?


BABYLON: How do you say oh, yeah, now this brand here. They'll just take...

SAGAL: Well, here's the thing. I mean, I was curious as to how they made this claim. What was the mechanism? And so I went online. And I found an ad for one brand. Made, I think, by Maidenform company. And it just shows these little molecules of caffeine going into these Spanx-like underpants, and then, like, the thighs getting, like, thinner.


SAGAL: So that's how it works.

BABYLON: And this is another example of why I wish people would just celebrate big butts and just - you know. Sir Mix-a-Lot that on up. Celebrate it.


BABYLON: Stop letting people, like, scam you.

SAGAL: I believe one of the lawsuits was filed by Sir Mix-a-Lot.


(LAUGHTER) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.