BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. I'm your mom's favorite anchorman Bill Kurtis.
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KURTIS: And here is your host - Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you Bill.
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SAGAL: Thank you so much everybody. Oh, man. We've got a fun show for you today. Later on we're going to be talking to the creator of the TV show "Mad Men," Matt Weiner. Now "Mad Men," of course, is really great. We've all been watching the early days of advertising for some years now. We're hoping that now "Mad Men" is coming to an end, for his next show, Matt Weiner does something about the early days of public radio.
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KURTIS: Now that we've finished that report on artisanal Birkenstock growers, let's have a three granola lunch and then treat women just as we would treat one another - as fellow professionals, equal in every way. It's about to get wild.
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SAGAL: Whatever your hidden back story, we want to hear from you. Give us a call. The number 1-888-WAIT-WAIT, that's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.
TINA KING: Hello. This is Tina King from beautiful Charleston, W. Va.
SAGAL: Charleston, W. Va. Now I have not been to Charleston, tell me what it is like.
KING: It's really nice. It's a nice safe little small city with a very decent arts and culture following.
SAGAL: That's not what I expected at all.
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SAGAL: And what do you do for fun?
KING: I mostly - for fun I play tournament Scrabble.
SAGAL: You play tournament Scrabble?
KING: That's right.
SAGAL: I happen to know that tournament Scrabble is a cutthroat occupation.
KING: It really is.
SAGAL: Sometimes those tiles go flying.
KING: They actually do sometimes. People are known to throw boards every now and then.
SAGAL: Yeah. Really?
KING: Yeah.
SAGAL: Wow.
MOSHE KASHER: I thought you said it was a safe community?
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SAGAL: Now let me ask - I did want to ask you one question before we get started with you. What is your - the score you're most proud of?
KING: Probably the best play I've ever had was online against another - against a high level player and I played rejiggered for 204 points I think.
SAGAL: Well done.
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SAGAL: Let me introduce you to our panel, Tina. First up, it's a comedian who will be recording his first comedy album on May 8 and 9 at the Laugh Factory in Chicago. It's Brian Babylon.
BRIAN BABYLON: Yay.
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SAGAL: Next, it's a style columnist for the Washington Post, Ms. Roxanne Roberts.
ROBERTS: Hello, Tina.
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SAGAL: Finally, it's a comedian, the host of the Champs podcast and the author of the memoir "Kasher In The Rye," it's Moshe Kasher.
KASHER: Hi, Tina.
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SAGAL: So Tina, you'll start us off with Who's Bill This Time. Bill Kurtis, of course, will perform for you three quotations from the week's news. He'll do that brilliantly as is his want.
KING: OK.
SAGAL: Your job - simply explain or identify that two times out of three. You'll do that, you'll win our prize - that's the voice of Carl Kasell on your home voicemail. Are you ready to go?
KING: Yes.
SAGAL: Your first quote is from New York Republican Congressman Peter King.
KURTIS: He's a guy with a big mouth and no results. He doesn't provide leadership and has no real experience.
SAGAL: Mr. King, a Republican, was talking about a senator, also a Republican, who just said he's officially running for president. Who's the guy who inspires such affection?
KING: Ted Cruz.
SAGAL: Yes, Ted Cruz.
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SAGAL: With his announcement this last week, Ted Cruz became the only official candidate for president in 2016, and he already is in last place.
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SAGAL: The Senator chose to make his announcement at Liberty University, where he roamed and intoned in front of the students who - and this is true - had to attend his speech or pay a fine.
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SAGAL: It's mandatory to attend this speech. During the speech they were tweeting their reactions like, quote, "why are we clapping? I have no idea." And, "this is so embarrassing," unquote. It's the only kind of TED Talk more insufferable than an actual TED Talk.
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BABYLON: Did you - that's funny - did you - so when he heard that other congressman or senate are hating on him, you know what he's like? Man, haters going to hate. That's what...
SAGAL: I don't think he'd ever put it that way, but that is his attitude.
BABYLON: No, but that's his new little thing, like to say little catchy phrases to get the kids caught up in his campaign.
KASHER: Oh he'll do like hip-hop phrases and stuff like that?
BABYLON: Yeah, like hey, man, haters going to hate.
KASHER: Yep. Cruising down street, haters going to hate. It's Cruz, baby.
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SAGAL: The fact of the matter though is that when you say, you know, oh, these Republicans are saying how much they don't like you, he says that's because I don't compromise. And that's because they're creatures of Washington and I'm a true conservative. He's only been in the senate for about two and a half years and he has managed to annoy...
BABYLON: Wait a minute. That's it?
SAGAL: That's it. He was elected in 2012, right?
ROBERTS: He's the one that shut down the government.
SAGAL: He did. John McCain, a fellow Republican senator called him a wacko bird.
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SAGAL: Some people...
BABYLON: Did he really say wacko bird?
SAGAL: Yeah.
KASHER: That's another hip-hopism.
BABYLON: Yes, thank you.
KASHER: Wacko bird, cruising down the street. It's me, John McCain.
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BABYLON: Yep. Yep. Yep.
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ROBERTS: Wait, would that be?
SAGAL: I would like to live in a country ruled by the Senate you are describing.
BABYLON: Republican Rappers?
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SAGAL: So your next quote...
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SAGAL: Tina, your next quote is from billionaire investor Warren Buffett.
KURTIS: I eat like a 6-year-old.
SAGAL: Right. So Warren Buffett likes snack foods. And so as, of course, very wealthy powerful investor, this week Mr. Buffett was one of the players involved in a merger between two huge companies. What were those companies? Food - think snack foods, think condiments. Think...
KING: Heinz and...
SAGAL: American cheese.
KING: Kraft?
SAGAL: Yes, Heinz and Kraft.
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KING: Thank you.
SAGAL: The two best-known names in processed food have joined together, presumably because they realized they could kill more of us if they joined forces.
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SAGAL: The new company will be called Kraft-Heinz, which is also one of those complicated German words. It means the strange feeling you get when you inhale Cheez Whiz straight from the pressurized can.
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BABYLON: I think the real thing that's really hot about this merger is like for like walking dead zombie apocalypse times. All this processed food. Because if you get to that big place where all these companies came together, all the ketchup, all the canned stuff, you're winning.
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SAGAL: I think we are better prepared for the apocalypse, I grant you that.
BABYLON: Yeah, you're much better for the apocalypse because, you know, fresh food and all that organic stuff that you guys love is going to be worthless.
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BABYLON: OK, all that Whole Foods stuff - worth...
SAGAL: What do you mean by you guys?
BABYLON: I'm just saying. I'm saying - and this NPR crowd - the Whole Foods is going to be worthless. It's going to be those things in the cans, Circus Peanuts, all that kind of stuff.
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SAGAL: But this is like - this is a company that makes stuff we know about. This is a company - this is like our lives at stake. So Warren Buffett, know this, if you screw up our tater tots, we will end you.
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BABYLON: But how do you think he has this - does he just mention this and like, you know what would be great? You two guys to like merge up. And then it just happens. Does he just talk it, or - why do people trust him, you know, so much?
SAGAL: Because he's really, really, really, really rich.
BABYLON: But so is like the dude from Dubai. No one trusts him.
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KASHER: A dude from Dubai.
BABYLON: Yeah, dude from Dubai is loaded.
KASHER: Yeah, sure.
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KASHER: I read that Tom Clancy novel.
ROBERTS: He's our dude. He is our dude. He's not only our dude, he's our dude who eats macaroni and cheese out of the box.
SAGAL: He does.
BABYLON: Out of the box. A billionaire who does that.
ROBERTS: OK, so there.
SAGAL: Tina. Tina here is your last quote.
KING: OK.
KURTIS: We're all devastated about Zayn Malik, but we must soldier on.
SAGAL: That was the mayor of Boston, Mass. urging his citizens, and really all of us, to stay strong after Mr. Zayn Malik did what?
KING: I don't think I've heard this one.
SAGAL: Oh, I can't believe it. Do you know any, say 16-year-old girls?
KING: No, I sure don't.
SAGAL: Can you go out in the street and find one?
KING: I hope not.
ROBERTS: No, they're at home in mourning anyway.
SAGAL: Yeah, it's a terrible, terrible thing. I'm just going to give it to you 'cause...
KING: Oh, is he the One Direction?
SAGAL: Yes, he left One Direction.
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SAGAL: See, you do know.
KING: Yes I did know. I just didn't want to admit it at first.
SAGAL: Tragedies like this bring the whole country together. We share in each other's pain. One Direction, the boy band, is losing Zayn Malik. Young people all over the world are distraught. To understand how they feel, we encourage you, our audience, to remember how you felt when Robert MacNeil left PBS's NewsHour.
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SAGAL: A lot of One Direction fans are blaming this breakup on Zayn Malik's fiance, to which I say, come on Yoko, haven't you done enough damage?
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SAGAL: Bill, how did Tina do on our quiz?
KURTIS: Well, they can strike up the band in Charleston. She got them all right.
SAGAL: Very well done.
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SAGAL: Congratulations Tina.
KING: Thank you.
SAGAL: Bye-bye now.
KING: Bye.
(SOUNDBITE OF SONG) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.