BILL KURTIS, BYLINE: From NPR and WBEZ Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME, the NPR News quiz. You've heard about Hillary's secret emails. I'm Hillary's secret male...
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KURTIS: ...Bill Kurtis. And here is your host at the Hill Auditorium in Ann Arbor, Mich., Peter Sagal.
PETER SAGAL, HOST:
Thank you, Bill.
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SAGAL: So great to be here in Ann Arbor, yes - A-squared. Ann Arbor, home of the University of Michigan, one of the nation's number one party schools. But being public radio types, we're doing here what we all actually did back in college - hanging out in the theater building, totally sober, hoping somebody will call.
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SAGAL: Will it be you? Please talk to us. The number to call is 1-888-WAIT-WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. It's time to welcome our first listener contestant. Hi, you're on WAIT WAIT ...DON'T TELL ME.
ROBERT SCHWARTZ: Hi there, this is Robert Schwartz from Washington, D.C., by way of Chicago, Ill.
SAGAL: By way of Chicago?
SCHWARTZ: That's right.
SAGAL: So you're saying you grew up in Chicago.
SCHWARTZ: I did.
SAGAL: Yeah, and now you live in Washington.
SCHWARTZ: I am.
SAGAL: Right, right, and what do you do there?
SCHWARTZ: I work in public relations, in public affairs.
SAGAL: Really?
SCHWARTZ: Yeah.
SAGAL: Do you work for the good guys or the bad guys?
SCHWARTZ: I like to say the good guys. I think the occasional bad guy here and there that we - we make a good guy.
SAGAL: Really?
SCHWARTZ: Yeah.
ROY BLOUNT JR.: You have drunk the Kool-Aid.
SAGAL: Yeah, all right, Robert, let me introduce you to our panel. First up, it's a comedian who will be performing October 15 through the 17 at the Comix Comedy Club at the Mohegan Sun Casino, it's Alonzo Bodden.
ALONZO BODDEN: Hello, sir.
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SAGAL: Next, it's a feature writer for The Washington Post, Ms. Roxanne Roberts.
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ROXANNE ROBERTS: Hey, Robert.
SAGAL: Finally, it's a humorist and author most recently of "Alphabetter Juice: Or, The Joy Of Text," it's Roy Blount, Jr.
BLOUNT: Hello. Hello, Robert.
SCHWARTZ: Hey, there.
SAGAL: Robert, welcome to the show. You're going to play Who's Bill This Time? Bill Kurtis, of course, is going to re-create for you three quotations from the week's news. If you can correctly identify or explain two of them, you will win our prize - scorekeeper emeritus Carl Kasell's voice on your home answering machine. Are you ready to go?
SCHWARTZ: I'm ready.
SAGAL: All right, your first quote is from a, quote, "senior U.S. official."
KURTIS: If he wants to jump into that mess, good luck.
SAGAL: Who is now sending his troops to join all the fun going on in Syria?
SCHWARTZ: Would that be Vladimir Putin?
SAGAL: It would be, Robert, very good.
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SAGAL: Russia decided to intervene in Syria. They're sending airplanes to bomb the forces now fighting President Assad. And the U.S. is not happy about it. That is our country to bomb. Seriously, Putin and Obama are like divorced parents fighting over the kids. No, this is my weekend to bomb them. Obama and Putin, they actually met Monday at the U.N. They posed for the most awkward handshake scene since your new boss caught you coming out of the bathroom zipping your fly. It was an - such an intense moment. I don't know if you guys saw it. Neither one are smiling, they're gripping hands, the tension was so high, they were either going to kill each other or start kissing.
BODDEN: Do you think Putin's mad because Obama probably looks better with his shirt off?
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SAGAL: I think he probably is.
ROBERTS: You know.
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ROBERTS: You know, I - not to be anti-American, OK - I mean, the president looks wonderful with his shirt off. But I would say that Putin, just on the bare chest scale, does pretty well.
BLOUNT: You have always had a soft spot for Putin. What is this?
ROBERTS: No, but I'm saying he looks good without his shirt. That is not a moral judgment. That's a purely superficial...
SAGAL: Do you know if he hears you say that, he's going to go invade another country? You're just encouraging him.
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SAGAL: Here is your next quote.
KURTIS: Garbage men get used to the smell of bad garbage.
SAGAL: That was John Boehner sharing some wisdom, maybe advice, with the people who want to do what?
SCHWARTZ: That would be take over for his role, maybe, to...
SAGAL: Yes, to succeed him as...
SCHWARTZ: ...Being the next speaker?
SAGAL: Exactly, speaker of the House of Representatives.
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SAGAL: Last week, John Boehner said he was stepping down as speaker and leaving Congress. And since then, all kinds of Republicans have been heading to the tanning booth hoping to replace him. For a man who is known for crying at the smallest provocation - this is true, he cried during an interview with the Golf Channel - Boehner looked totally overjoyed when he announced his resignation. He - and he was so direct about it. He didn't say, you know, I want to spend more time with my family. He looked at the fellow congressmen and he said, I want to spend less time with you.
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BLOUNT: What exactly was the garbage reference?
SAGAL: Well, he was being asked, Mr. Boehner was, about the difficulty of dealing with his recalcitrant Republican members, going from crisis to crisis.
BODDEN: I love that - and only a politician would specifically say bad garbage versus the good garbage.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BODDEN: You know, normally I'm with the good garbage. But then you get used to being with the bad garbage.
SAGAL: That's when you know you got to go home.
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BLOUNT: The Tea Party - Tea Party faction really want a - more of a [expletive] speaker, right? I mean, Boehner was too soft for me. He's always crying. They want somebody who has little black toads crawling out of their eyes.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BLOUNT: Not tears. They need some...
BODDEN: Well, I think Voldemort was busy.
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SAGAL: So, Robert, your last quote is about water being found somewhere this week.
KURTIS: That could just be NASA's way of mocking California.
SAGAL: That was John Fugelsang reacting to what, quote, "big," unquote, announcement from NASA.
SCHWARTZ: Did they find something on a certain planet?
SAGAL: They did find something.
SCHWARTZ: Some water?
SAGAL: Yes, they found water on Mars.
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SAGAL: NASA let it be known - they had a huge announcement to be made about Mars. And everybody was like, this is great. Will they have the Martian right there at the press conference or will he be Skyping in from Mars? Turns out they found water, except they didn't really find water. They found signs that liquid water sometimes flows on the surface because of certain wavelengths reflected from certain crevices somewhere. That's right, a live news conference broadcast around the world to announce a high probability of damp sand.
BODDEN: Well, Peter, as someone who lives in LA, I could say that is pretty much how much water we have.
SAGAL: Yeah.
BODDEN: When we find damp sand, we grab it.
SAGAL: Yeah.
ROBERTS: Have you had to personally cut back on anything?
BODDEN: No, it hasn't affected me. I don't think - I think the worst thing is, you know, our cars are dirty and we're not happy about that.
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BODDEN: We like our cars clean.
SAGAL: Poor souls.
BODDEN: Oh, yeah, we like our cars clean. But other than that...
BLOUNT: I still think we could build a pipeline from here to Australia.
SAGAL: Yeah. Well, now, to be honest, the excitement about the water isn't so, like, oh, great, we can get some water. But if there's flowing liquid water, there might be microbial life. There might be alien life. And if there is, you know that Donald Trump will promise to build a wall in space to keep it away.
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SAGAL: Bill, how did Robert do?
BODDEN: Or...
SAGAL: Or?
BODDEN: Or...
SAGAL: Or?
BODDEN: The hipsters will move in and gentrify it.
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KURTIS: Robert did very, very well. He got three right. Congratulations, Robert.
SAGAL: Thank you, Robert. Thanks for playing.
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SCHWARTZ: Thanks very much. Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.