Mar 23, 2013
Originally published on March 23, 2013 10:52 am
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TIM CLEARY: Hi, this is Tim Cleary from Portland, Oregon.

SAGAL: Oh, Portland, Oregon, one of my favorite cities. How are you?

CLEARY: I'm excellent.

SAGAL: And are you one of those people who sort of came to Portland and basically to use the Portlandia joke, to retire while still in your 20s?

CLEARY: No, I was born and raised here.

SAGAL: I didn't know there were any people like you.


SAGAL: Have you been comfortable with the growth of Portland over the last decade or so into sort of the Mecca that it is for the counterculture and alternative lifestyles?

CLEARY: They're definitely keeping it weird here.

SAGAL: That's important.


SAGAL: Well, welcome to the show, Tim. Bill Kurtis here is going to read you three news-related limericks with the last word or phrase missing from each. If you can fill in that last word or phrase correctly on two of the limericks you'll be a big winner. You ready to play?

CLEARY: Yes, I am.

SAGAL: Here is your first limerick.

BILL KURTIS: Fruit water is hot in pursuit of vitamin water's repute. But don't try to savor a real juicy flavor. Fruit water's all water, no?

CLEARY: Fruit.

SAGAL: Yes, fruit.


SAGAL: Or rather no fruit, there's no fruit.


SAGAL: If you were to guess the ingredients in Coca-Cola's new health drink Fruit Water, you'd probably guess fruit and water, and you'd be half right.


SAGAL: It's really carbonated water and Splenda. No fruit in it. Coke hastily explained that Splenda is a kind of fruit. It grows on the Splenda bush right by the Sweet and Low trees.


SAGAL: Very good, here is your next limerick.

KURTIS: Lake Tahoe's transformed by a cold wish, for new creatures swim by with a bold swish. Folks dumped their small tanks by our lake's verdant banks and now we're plagued by some oversized?

CLEARY: Goldfish.

SAGAL: Yes, goldfish.



SAGAL: People have been dumping their goldfish in Lake Tahoe, California. After realizing what boring pets they are. And then apparently these goldfish just balloon in size as they feed on the algae in the lake. We've seen pictures of swimmers in Lake Tahoe, holding up goldfish the size of their forearms. One other theory scientists have is that all the people swimming in Lake Tahoe are really tiny.


SAGAL: What theme music plays as you are attacked by monster goldfish?


SAGAL: All right, here is your last limerick.

KURTIS: This pack of mint gum I am ruing, 'cause a large meal will soon be ensuing. Give me salty and sweet. For God's sake, let me eat. I am hungry from all of this?

CLEARY: Chewing.

SAGAL: Right.



SAGAL: Researchers at Ohio State say chewing gum triggers your appetite and gets your digestive juices flowing. In the same way pot acts as a gateway to heroin, gum acts as a gateway to cake and heroin.


SAGAL: The theory goes that the menthol in gum makes fruits and veggies taste bad. You know, like when you drink orange juice after brushing your teeth. So people who chew gum avoid fruits and vegetables, eat more junk food. So if you want to lose weight, do not put gum in your mouth, or anything.


SAGAL: If you must chew gum, make sure to supplement your diet with healthy things like fruit water.


SAGAL: Bill, how did Tim do?

KURTIS: Again, a perfect score.

SAGAL: Well done, congratulations.


CLEARY: Thank you.

SAGAL: Thanks for playing.

CLEARY: Thank you very much.

SAGAL: Bye-bye.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.