Oscar Winners

Feb 27, 2014
Originally published on February 27, 2014 12:03 pm

No cutoff music here: take your time while you identify fictional and factual "Oscars" based on the speeches they might give if they won Academy Awards.

Heard in Episode 310: Fact Check Me Another

Copyright 2018 NPR. To see more, visit http://www.npr.org/.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

OPHIRA EISENBERG, HOST:

From NPR and WNYC, live from the Bell House in Brooklyn, New York, this is ASK ME ANOTHER. I'm Ophira Eisenberg, your host for this next hour of puzzles, word games and trivia. And we managed to get the queen of the know-it-alls on our show. She is the editor of the "World Almanac," Sarah Janssen.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: And to kick things off, please say hello to our one man house band, Mr. Jonathan Coulton.

(APPLAUSE)

JONATHAN COULTON: Hello, everybody. Hello, Ophira.

EISENBERG: And it looks like we have our first two contestants. Dan Marrin and Eurydice Decker. Now you're both really into film...

DAN MARRIN: Yeah.

EISENBERG: ...which is just great to know. Not helpful at all in this game.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: But I would love to know if your project won an Academy Award for Best whatever, who would you thank in your speech, Dan?

MARRIN: I think it would think the Academy to begin, then you got to go with cast and crew.

EISENBERG: Mm-hmm.

MARRIN: The agent who brought me.

(LAUGHTER)

MARRIN: The makeup artist who stayed with me all these years - think Meryl Streep did that with her last one.

EISENBERG: Your team - you got a whole team in your dream here.

MARRIN: Oh yeah. And then I would end, as the music was beginning to rise up, I'd remember my family, I think because that's how it's usually supposed to work.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Oh yeah. Right. Right. Right. It's beautiful.

COULTON: It sounds like you thought about this a lot.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Eurydice, what do you have to say for your thank yous?

EURYDICE DECKER: I think I would just do family and friends.

EISENBERG: Wow.

DECKER: And maybe the loser in high school who always didn't give me the second look.

EISENBERG: Ah, spite. You're all about spite.

(LAUGHTER)

DECKER: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: That's right. A lot of people here relate to that.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: All right. Well, this game is called Oscar winners and it's specifically about people named Oscar.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Apologies to all the Tonys, Emmys and old little musical ladies named Grammy out there...

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Because this round is all about the Oscars, so we've written a bunch of short acceptance speeches that notable real and fictional Oscars might read if they were awarded a trophy in their field of expertise and your job is to tell us which Oscar we're talking about. So let's turn to our puzzle guru, John Chaneski. John, can you give us an example?

JOHN CHANESKI: Thank you. Thank you. This is so exciting. You know, Duke Ellington called me the maharaja of the keyboard and Count Basie said I played the ivories better than anyone he'd heard. Until today, I thought those were the highest honor this old jazz piano player could get. That would be a speech given by Oscar Peterson.

DECKER: OK.

EISENBERG: Right? You got that one, right, in your mind?

MARRIN: Probably so.

DECKER: Oh totally.

EISENBERG: Yeah. So ring in when you know the answer and the winner of this game will move on to our ASK ME ONE MORE final round at the end of the show. Here we go. I know this is going to sound weird coming out of my mouth - given my sour reputation and the fact that I'm basically a shapeless green piece of fabric that lives in a garbage can, but you like me right now; You really like me.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Dan.

MARRIN: Oscar the Grouch?

EISENBERG: Exactly.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Oh, I wish you all could be me right now, that is what I'd truly like you all to be, because if you all were me right now everyone would be in love with you.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: Trust me, it's an amazing feeling. I feel like a wiener.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

MARRIN: Oscar Mayer?

COULTON: You're right and I said wiener on the radio.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Everyone loves a hotdog.

COULTON: That's true

EISENBERG: That's what that's about; hotdog always wins. Jackie O, Nancy Regan, even Cher. I've dressed them all for their big occasions in their lives. So who am I wearing tonight? Myself, of course.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Eurydice.

DECKER: Oscar de la Renta.

EISENBERG: Exactly. Yes.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Don't even think of playing me off, Mr. Conductor. I have a long list of people to thank. In fact, it's almost as long as the list of lives I saved during World War II.

COULTON: A long list.

EISENBERG: I know. It's OK. It's all right.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Oh god.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: Dan fell to the floor, but Eurydice buzzed in.

DECKER: Oscar Schindler.

EISENBERG: Exactly. Well done.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: Little braggy - Oscar Schindler.

EISENBERG: A little braggy.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: A little bit of a showoff.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: I've been a lightweight champion, a welterweight champion, not to mention an Olympic champion. Still, it wasn't until today that I felt like I finally earned my nickname, Golden Boy.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

MARRIN: Dan.

Oscar De La Hoya.

COULTON: You got it.

EISENBERG: Yeah.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: When I woke up earlier today, I thought, what a beautiful morning. How could it possibly get better than this? Well, thanks to this award I'll say that tonight is it going to be too shabby either. It has truly been some enchanted evening.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

EISENBERG: Eurydice.

DECKER: Oscar Hammerstein.

EISENBERG: Yes. Exactly. Oscar Hammerstein.

(APPLAUSE)

COULTON: All right. This is your last question. Personally, I've never believed in the importance of being earnest.

(LAUGHTER)

COULTON: That said, I'm at a loss for words right now, so I'll just repeat something that's been attributed to me for years. I have nothing to declare except my own genius.

(SOUNDBITE OF BELL)

COULTON: Dan.

MARRIN: Oscar Wilde.

COULTON: That's right.

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: John Chaneski, how did our contestant do?

CHANESKI: The envelope, please. And the Oscar goes to Dan. Way to go, Dan..

(APPLAUSE)

EISENBERG: Congratulations, Dan. We will see you again in our ASK ME ONE MORE final round at the end of the show.

(SOUNDBITE OF MUSIC)

COULTON: (Singing) oh I love trash. Anything dirtier dingy or dusty. Anything ragged or rotten or rusty. Yes, I love trash.

Seems a little out of Oscar range, that song, very high.

(LAUGHTER)

EISENBERG: He's a hoarder. I think, we do, yeah. He's a hoarder.

COULTON: He's a hoarder. I know. It's very sad.

(LAUGHTER) Transcript provided by NPR, Copyright NPR.