Panel Round Two

Sep 13, 2013
Originally published on January 2, 2014 12:58 pm
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CARL KASELL ANNOUNCER: From NPR and WBEZ-Chicago, this is WAIT WAIT...DON'T TELL ME!, the NPR News quiz. I'm Carl Kasell. We're playing this week with Mo Rocca, Faith Salie, and P.J. O'Rourke. And here again is your host, at the Chase Bank Auditorium in downtown Chicago, Peter Sagal.


Thank you, Carl.


SAGAL: Guys, in just a minute, Carl grabs his face and his tiny car and joins the Shrymers in our listener limerick challenge.


SAGAL: I welcome your hatred.


SAGAL: If you'd like to play, give us a call at 1-888-WAIT WAIT. That's 1-888-924-8924. But right now, panel, some more questions for you from the week's news. Faith, this week, Prince Andrew of Great Britain was out for his evening stroll along the grounds of his home, Buckingham Palace, when a strange thing happened. What?

FAITH SALIE: He was asked for ID.

SAGAL: Well, he was - according to some versions, arrested for trespassing.


SAGAL: Depending on who you believe. The prince was out for his usual evening stroll. He was admiring his money flowers...


SAGAL: ...when he was suddenly pounced on by two guards, who, according to the Sunday Express newspaper, knocked him to the ground and held him at gunpoint. Now that report has since been denied by Scotland Yard, who say they were able to identify the prince without the use of force. When asked for ID, the prince just pulled out an oil painting.


SAGAL: Police have apologized to the Royal Family, and say that newly hired Officer Zimmerman will be put on another beat.



SAGAL: Is there a better time for anyone to have ever said, do you know who I am?


SALIE: Poor Andrew.

SAGAL: Oh, yeah, he can't get any attention anymore.

SALIE: Can't get any traction. That little baby George just booted him down the line.


SAGAL: P.J., in these hard times, we make do with what we've got lying around, which is why this winter, Milwaukee, Wisconsin might de-ice their roads with what?

P.J. O'ROURKE: Gee, I don't suppose beer is going to work, is it although...

SAGAL: Well, beer wouldn't work, although this is something else Wisconsin has in abundance.


SAGAL: Sometimes they have so much of it...

O'ROURKE: I was going to say Garrison Keeler, but that's in Minnesota, isn't it?

SAGAL: Yeah.

ROCCA: Use your head.

SAGAL: Yeah, some of them actually put the stuff on their heads.

ROCCA: Use your head. Use your head.


SAGAL: You're not - Mo, Mo, it's not working. He's not a sports fan. He's not going to understand what you're talking about.




ROCCA: Oh, wow, I'm teaching you about sports, OK.


SAGAL: Think about Wisconsin, P.J. Beer and...

O'ROURKE: Cheese.

SAGAL: There you go, cheese.


O'ROURKE: Oh, I get it. The things that...

SAGAL: Cheese head, cheese head.

O'ROURKE: Cheese heads.

SAGAL: The Public Works Committee up there in Milwaukee is considering a plan to melt their icy roads with cheese, specifically leftover cheese brine. It's a byproduct of the cheese manufacturing process.

O'ROURKE: Get out.

SAGAL: This cheesy stuff will be mixed with rock salt and applied directly to the roads, I guess, via giant aerosol containers. You just bend the nozzle...


SAGAL: ...and the delicious salty highway maintenance whiz shoots out.

O'ROURKE: And the entire state is full of mice with high blood pressure.

SAGAL: I know. What?


SALIE: They used pickle brine in New Jersey a couple years...

SAGAL: Yeah, well, it's a salty liquid, right?

SALIE: There's just going to be tons of pregnant ladies getting out of cars and licking the roads.

O'ROURKE: Licking the roads.

SAGAL: This is true. I mean, because we're in tough times, right? And, you know, government budgets are being cut so states are using a lot of whatever they have lying around, whatever they have excess of...

O'ROURKE: Well, yeah, maple syrup in New Hampshire.

SAGAL: Exactly.


O'ROURKE: That's just not going to work. You use that for traction in the snow.

SAGAL: In Florida, they're taking their excess elderly Jews and they're...


SAGAL: what they're doing is instead of fixing the roads they have one of them stand there and they yell, slow down, there's a pothole.



SAGAL: Mo, a group of Brooklyn drug dealers texted their customers that they should make their purchases early on Friday because the dealers were going to go do what?

ROCCA: The dealers were - oh, the dealers were going to go to a temple?

SAGAL: Well, pretty much, to celebrate...

ROCCA: ...the Sabbath.

SAGAL: Yeah, Shabbat as the Jews say, yes.


SAGAL: The drug dealers were closing early for Shabbat.


SAGAL: Wonders of wonders (unintelligible)...


SAGAL: The dealers in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn were glad to provide the customers with all the illicit drugs they could use but asked users to please keep the day of rest holy. Now, as we all know, Jews are forbidden from doing any work or using machinery of any kind on the Sabbath because of the verse in the Torah, the Old Testament, that says, thou shalt not toil nor harvest nor sell stolen Oxycodone tabs, ye even though they be pharmaceutical grade.


SAGAL: So the dealers all sent repeated texts to their customers warning them that the Jewish Sabbath, which starts Friday night, was coming. The quote said, "We are closing 7:30 on the dot. If you need anything, you have 45 minutes, and have a blessed day." Police apprehended the suspects by waiting until sundown and then chasing the dealers to their getaway car, which they looked at longingly as police slapped the cuffs on them.


ROCCA: Dealer On the Roof.


SALIE: (Singing) Is this the little girl I sold to?


O'ROURKE: I can get it for you wholesale.

SAGAL: There you go.


SAGAL: It'd be the only drug market where like an ounce of heroin goes for 109.99, you know.


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